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Mathematically puttin' it down
They call me Hadoken because I'm down-right fierce.
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3rd-Nov-2016 02:38 pm
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This has been the longest two months of my life. Every day has been filled with nonstop thoughts about where things went wrong. I don't sleep well. I have lost 40 pounds due to lack of appetite. My hobbies no longer bring much satisfaction. If this isn't depression, then I don't know what is. Surrounding myself with supportive friends helps, but only so much. Never thought I was capable of feeling the way that I do, but here we are. And over what? A girl? C'mon, Justin. What's so special about this girl that it's ruining your life by not being with her?

Everything.

She is everything I've ever wanted, and for a moment she was mine. Her beauty. Her compassion. Her heart. The fire in her soul. All mine. Losing her isn't the reason I feel like this, it's how I lost her. I can handle a breakup, and moving on quickly is no problem. But we had something very special. She made me believe in things that were previously unbelievable. And she left... not because she didn't love me or want me, but because she felt she couldn't be with me. That the timing & circumstances of our relationship were wrong. She wanted it to work, but her doubts & fears became too much a burden to bare. Losing the possible love of my life over what amounts to be bad timing is a tremendous heartbreak. We have such great chemistry together, and I refuse to believe she lied about how she felt regarding "us." I felt it. She felt it. Her eyes when they met mine... I see them every night in my dreams, and they haunt my thoughts every day. I'm not sad because we broke up. I'm sad because we are so right for each other & she no longer believes it.

Sometimes, it actually feels like she didn't believe me when I confessed my love for her. Like, I wasn't capable of doing so several months after a long relationship. Like I am just a very hurt man and I am just saying things to make myself feel good. Or that I'm projecting something onto this relationship that isn't really there. Silly, Justin. You're not being taken seriously when you say all these lovey-dovey things. But I was of sound mind & body when we 1st kissed, and when I told her I was "in it to win it." Also, when I told her that I loved her. I have always been very open & up front with my intentions. I'm looking for a partner, someone to spend my life with. I've wasted a lot of time, and feel it was fate that brought us together. I wasn't trying to rush anything; everything just clicked between us. We had all the time in the world, and taking our time developing a future together seemed like heaven.

Staying friends is better than nothing, but it's always going to be weird. I'm always going to love her, and I will always lament our loss. Seeing her is bittersweet; I truly believe we were meant for more, and that pain will rest in my heart forever. It'll remain a silent pain, though. There's no way I can tell her this without pushing her completely out of my life. But... she knows. How she can handle being around me knowing how I feel is beyond me. It seems as though she is trying to pretend it never happened, and I wish I could do the same. But how do you stop loving someone? How do you forget the intimate bond you shared with another? If I could, I would. This heartache is unbearable, and it lives with me every moment of every day.

No matter who comes into her life, they will never love her as much as I do. Of course I know that sounds crazy & borderline creepy, but she deserves the world & I was ready to give it to her. I would never hurt her. She would have my undying support & affection. I want nothing but the best for her, and I truly believed to be the man of her dreams as she said I was.

I am almost certain any relationship for me in the foreseeable future will be tainted by the thoughts of what could have been, and that isn't fair. Hell, none of this is fair. We were supposed to be so much more. We found what I believe to be true love among a shitstorm caused by ugly people and bad timing. I can only imagine what we could've done with an actual fair chance.

Maybe in an alternate dimension... one where she understood that the uneasiness & weird feelings were temporary. That any hardships we faced, we faced together. A place where the opinions of shitty people didn't matter. Where the idea she should feel guilty for moving so quickly is unfounded: your heart wants what it wants. But we live in the real world, and everything doesn't work out like you had hoped. Neither of us did anything wrong, but we've paid the price. No matter how well we go together, timing is and always will be a bitch.

I unabashedly live life by the Golden Rule: treat others as you wish to be treated. It's a moral commitment I hold myself to, and of course there is no expectation of reciprocation: that's not how it works. In no ways is this perfectly executed, but there's a concerted effort on my behalf to treat everyone (friend & stranger alike) the way I would in turn appreciate being treated. I guess you could call this karma in a way? Just be good, and hopefully good things will happen. The world would indeed be a better place if more of its inhabitants lived like this, but that's beyond the point. You don't worry about what everyone is doing, you just be yourself and be the change you want to see in the world. Kindness. Courtesy. Generosity. Respect. Empathy. Compassion. Love. These are things I put out into the world without the presumption that I will receive them in return.

But truthfully speaking, it's been increasingly difficult as of late not to desire some of that sweet, sweet reciprocation. I'm afraid of losing that innocence, that good things come to those who wait. I will fight the good fight, and persevere, but fuck is it hard. I am an eternal optimist, and right now that's the one thing keeping me going through this shitty year.

Things will get better. This I know. It's going to suck, but it'll get better.

I am not excited for a lonely Thanksgiving dinner, though. I have to work Black Friday so traveling is not an option, and the friends I feel comfortable asking to join are all busy with family/out of town. Suppose I deserve this, somehow. But hey, it won't be nearly as bad as a lonely Christmas!
31st-Oct-2016 10:12 am
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Can't explain
Nor can I contain
Control
You have on my soul

It's all I do is
Baby dream of you
I'm falling down
When you're around

You're the only one
You're the only one
I'm so wrapped up in a daze
Hoping this is just a phase
But when all is said and done
I know you are still the one
You're the only one
You're the only one
Cupid's bow it stung
Now you're the only one

Mystery
Is what this is to me
I'm giving up
I'm having no luck

Like a ghost
The one that I love most
She disappears
When I get near
27th-Oct-2016 04:11 pm
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There is still so much left for me to tell you, but there will never be a right time or place to do so. If & when it comes out, it'll probably ruin everything between us. I walk a fine line some days, where it's on the tip of my tongue just waiting to sabotage our friendship.

But then I remember how important your friendship really is to me, and regain a bit of composure. I am unsure as to how long I can keep this up, though. You are my every thought, and not a moment goes by where I am not lamenting over the great injustice done to our relationship. The heart wants what the heart wants, I suppose. I've never been so sure of something before, and it hurts terribly to sit around & hope for the best.

Just open your eyes, Birdie.
26th-Oct-2016 10:36 pm
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Yeah, this season is going to be hard. Scary movies, jack-o-lanterns, chilly fall nights together...

Not this year, Justin. You don't deserve it.
23rd-Oct-2016 05:22 pm
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Tomorrow is our 1-year wedding anniversary, and 11 years since we started dating. A lot of feelings are swirling about, but I can't articulate them very well.
22nd-Oct-2016 02:01 am
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You lied. None of it was true. This is what I must believe in order to move on.

Because if it was true, and you did love me, you wouldn't have given up. You don't give up on love. Ever. If you cared about me as much as you claimed, and if you meant what you said about me being perfect for you, we'd still be together. You took the easy way out: when faced with adversity you left. You didn't stand your ground, and you didn't fight for us. You are more than strong enough, but you were too stubborn to do so.

What's bullshit is that you mourned the loss of shitty friends, and cared what a bunch of assholes believed about us. Amy can fucking keep the two-faced pieces of shit who believed her. The falling out with your sister had nothing to do with us, and everything to do with the fact that she's completely self-absorbed and couldn't care less about those around her.

We had something real special, but you threw it all away over what amounts to nothing. Your doubts and fears were nothing compared to what we had to gain. My friends accepted you, and your reputation was untarnished with those who mattered. I lost more friends than you'll ever know... for leaving Amy, not for being with you... and it was worth it. We sacrificed nothing of ourselves for this relationship; we only lost dead weight.

"It didn't feel right."

Oh, how many times did it feel right with Daniel? Is it going to feel right when you reconnect with Mat? It felt right with you, and I know you felt it too. You were scared of being hurt, and you cut me loose to maintain a safe distance. You cared too much about the people who don't care about you or your happiness. You let those who want to hurt you decide our fate.

You hurt me so bad, Elizabeth. I was ready to give you everything... but you threw it all away. You said you were a lucky girl, and you know what? You were right. I was everything you ever wanted; what all the other boys promised.

You didn't make the right decision, you made the easy one. Maybe one day you'll realize that.
16th-Oct-2016 05:54 pm
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Let me be your everlasting light
Your sun when there is none
I'm a shepherd for you
And I'll guide you through
Let me be your everlasting light

Let me be your everlasting light
Your home when there is cold
In me you can confide
When no one's by your side
Let me be your everlasting light

Oh baby, can't you see
It's shining just for you
Loneliness is over
Dark days are through
They're through

Let me be your everlasting light
Your train going away from pain
Love is the coal that makes this train roll
Let me be your everlasting light
14th-Oct-2016 05:13 pm
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It's hard to wait around for something you know may never happen, but it's harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.
9th-Oct-2016 11:16 pm
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Today was weird.

Like every other day for the past month & a half, I woke up too early and laid awake for a while. It's Sunday, and it's been a while since I did anything productive on the weekend. I still haven't hung any art, or taken half of my clothing out of the trash bags used to transfer across the hall. Things have been difficult, but today I was compelled to actually do something I've been meaning to do: sell off some figures.

For the past several months, the collection of things I've amassed over the years has started to feel like a burden. The majority of these little plastic men no longer hold my interest, and they're valuable enough to where I can make a few bucks by selling them. So, I finally gathered them all together and started the process of photographing & listing on eBay.

It's a laborious process, and part of the reason why I was putting it off. Before I knew it, it was dinner time, which was exciting because I had a recipe to prepare.

After dinner, sitting down to watch some Netflix, it was then that I realized that not only did I fail to leave my apartment, I also had no human interaction. Not only that, but I had failed to even speak aloud.

Not sure why, but that kind of bothered me. Well, maybe I do know why. Being lonely doesn't always hit me like this, but tonight it did. It did yesterday as well. Fortunately, my friends have an open door policy and I was able to hang there for a while. Today though, I dunno. My sadness kind of just snuck up on me.

Where did I go wrong? Everything seemed to finally be on the right track. It seemed as though everything I wanted was coming true. I didn't expect to be making a delicious dinner for one, and sitting by myself watching TV.

Things were supposed to be different... It just seemed so right.
8th-Oct-2016 02:36 pm
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