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Mathematically puttin' it down
They call me Hadoken because I'm down-right fierce.
Recent Entries 
3rd-Jan-2017 12:00 am
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After a month or so hiatus, you are back in my life. We are talking again, and on friendly terms after I confessed it felt very weird to be around you. Seeing your face though, more specifically your eyes, and I am beginning to believe this wasn't the best idea.

I am still head-over-heels madly in love with you, and the handful of women I've been with since we split have only helped solidify my belief that I do not want anyone else. We had no contact for over a month, but every day was filled with thoughts of you. Seeing you again is only making this more difficult for me, but God damn it I can't help but want to be around you.

I am fully aware that I am deliberately hurting myself, and that there is a constant risk of alienating you even further. But my heart wants what it wants, and I pray to non-existent gods that perhaps one day our relationship could once again become more than just friends.

There's no shortage of great women out there, but there's only one of you. I want you. And I want you to want me like you once did. I want to see the love in your eyes, and to feel it in your embrace. I want another chance to prove we can achieve great things together.

I just fucking love you so much.
17th-Dec-2016 12:38 am
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Finding someone else was never a problem. Being lonely isn't something I was afraid of. Dating isn't hard, and meeting new people is easy.

Coming across someone like you though... that will be impossible. I still think about you constantly, every day. Even in the embrace of another, you are my every thought. I am still madly in love with you despite everything that's transpired between us, and there's nothing to be done about it.

If there was a way to end these thoughts, trust me, I would. They bring me horrible grief and infinite sadness, and always creep up at the most inopportune times. I don't want to feel like this. It's been almost 4 months, and the pain is still very real. Even after meeting new women. Beautiful, intelligent, compassionate women. But none of them are you.

I am literally my own worst enemy.
28th-Nov-2016 05:42 pm
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I wish this pain would go away already.
17th-Nov-2016 09:22 am
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I want love to: roll me over slowly,
Stick a knife inside me, and twist it all around.
I want love to: grab my fingers gently,
Slam them in a doorway, Put my face into the ground.
I want love to: murder my own mother,
Take her off to somewhere, like hell, or up above.
And I want love to: change my friends to enemies,
Change my friends to enemies, and show me how it's all my fault.

And I won't let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me
I won't let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me
Yeah I won't let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me, anymore.

I want love to: walk right up and bite me,
Grab a hold of me and fight me, leave me dying on the ground.
I want love to: split my mouth wide open,
And cover up my ears and never let me hear a sound
I want love to: forget that you offended me,
Or how you have defended me when everybody tore me down
Yeah and I want love to: change my friends to enemies,
Change my friends to enemies, and show me how it's all my fault.

Yeah I won't let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me
I won't let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me
Yeah I won't let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me, anymore.
15th-Nov-2016 01:52 pm
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I want to hate you, and to wish nothing but monumental heartbreak upon you. But I can't. Despite how badly I was hurt, I still want nothing but the best for you. You did me so wrong... It really wasn't fair how things ended. How could you build someone up so high, just to let them go? Did you not know what the words you said meant? Were you not used to a partner willingly opening himself completely to you? I was all in; I was ready to commit myself to a lasting relationship with you. I wanted to take this as far as we could. Did that scare you? There was no rush, just unbridled excitement and optimism toward a future with you.

Now here we are, dating other people, and I can't help but feel as though I'm lying to her and to myself. I want you, still. After all the pain, after all the suffering. There's still so much love for you in my heart, and it's disingenuous of me to try and fill it with feelings for someone else. I am at a loss of what to do, and it drives me insane.
13th-Nov-2016 12:40 am
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I would rather be tortured by the truth than to find solace in a lie.
10th-Nov-2016 05:15 pm
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We may as well be strangers... and I am not surprised. If neither of us can change how we feel, then how do we move forward as anything but?

Dating is going okay, but none of these women are her. Feels like I'm looking for the runner-up to my heart, and that is a horrible feeling. I really don't know what to do. :(
7th-Nov-2016 10:53 pm
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She makes it seem so easy.

What is her secret?
5th-Nov-2016 12:13 pm
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She can tell herself whatever she wants in order to move on, but we both know what we had wasn't infatuation. She is no liar, and I always choose honesty: with myself & with others. We were in love, and the only reason we aren't together now is because she couldn't handle the undue pressure placed upon us & was fearful of being hurt. We should have waited for the dust to settle, but we didn't. We were impatient.

I always knew she was special, but after three months of dating I discovered that she could possibly be the woman of my dreams. Every day spent with her, it became clearer & clearer that we could absolutely have a bright future together. Her eyes were so telling, and her words rang so true in my heart.

"I love you, Justin."

"I never dreamt of being this lucky."

"You're everything I've ever wanted."

I refuse to believe any of this was said in the moment. I refuse to believe she didn't mean any of it. I still yearn for that future we saw together. I want to try again more than anything. Giving up, especially on love, is something I wish I could do. My life would be so much easier. This emptiness would not exist in my soul, and these torturing thoughts would not cloud my mind.

My only hope is that one day she'll realize that giving up on us was wrong; that the love we had and the bond we shared was real. I have so much love to give, and highly doubt she's going to find someone capable of caring for her more than I do.

We deserve a real chance, free of fear & uncertainty. If we fail, we fail. But it'll be on us. That's all I want, and I'll wait for it.
4th-Nov-2016 08:43 am
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Now I've got nowhere to go
My answer's all that I've got
I'm so sorry for so many things
That I haven't said yet
This is the waiting room I spent my whole life in
They gave me a thousand hands so I could count my sins
If I'm lucky maybe I'll finish before the roof caves in

I lost my life on the first try
You found it miles down the line
A swollen face with
3 first names

You kissed the taste back in my tongue
You sucked the smoke out of my lungs
And then we slept for days and days and days

When we woke up
My heart I choked up
Had to say I love you way too soon
But right there on your couch
You loved me too
Right there on your couch
You loved me too
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